Dynamics

So, I'm sitting in front of my friends computer and I don't know why I am here. I'm here because of fucking habit. I'm tired, getting into a disagreement with another friend and its fucking Thursday and 11 o'clock. WHY AM I HERE?!?!?

This blows. I feel incredibly out of place in the house I should feel completely at ease.

They are talking about things, that I can't put an input and they don't care. At all. And it sucks. I know it is my turn to be this one, but still it's really hurting and I don't want it to.

That first part was written a while ago and now I am better. Went to the counsellor yesterday and she said I did incredibly well considering my age (17). And today my Spanish teacher told me word for word, "I'm not giving up on you!" As I was leaving the class! I WAS SO HAPPY! I'm getting 57.6% in the class, i was getting 45 something-or-rather a couple weeks before. This week has been so awesome so far. Oh I also reconciled with my long time ex BF G. Yet he kind of confessed his undying love for me, not so into that. I don't re-date, just one of my many rules. I just don't go for the sloppy seconds, its kinda pitiful in my books. Though it really depends on the person. For G, no I would NOT get back together. Our relationship ended for a reason and those reasons are still there. Sorry Honey, not going to happen.

Such Stuff that SUCKS

Okay, so its a new day which most likely means its a shittier one. Yesterday I was at soccer practice and it SUCKED! Not just because it was effing cold out , no no, it was because I played horrifically bad. Not only could I not shoot worth a crap but I couldn't pass, dribble - yes there is dribbling in soccer - nothing. Anyways, soccer blew but before I went to soccer I saw D. Oh D. My old grade 9 would have been boyfriend if I hadn't been a complete image obsessed goody-too-shoes. I'll tell yalls the story: Picture this: Me, little grade 9 misfit, slammed into a class full of guys. I was pretty much the only chick in the class unless you counted the 3 asian girls that did nothing and barely showed up, which I don't. So, I'm meshes in with these six guys: D, Julian, Andrew, Oliver, Jacob and Sam. They were all really awesome. Though, I already sort of had a past with D. We had stupid grade 8 crushes on each other, which don't count at all.
From the beginning, D and I had a conection. We held the group together, we made it one. Also, I kept them all in check most of the time, I was there in class mother. So as a group we became pretty close but D and I got really close untill he finally spewed and asked me out.
Now this is when I fucked up. I told him yes yt then got sick and the next time I saw him I told him actually couldn't go out with him. I broke his frigging heart.
The most unfortunate thing about the entire experience is that I told him no eventuiugh I still had major feelings for him and still do. When ever I see him all I cab thinn is "thank god he is still alive" Its terrible.

Well what can I do now. I can sleep now.

NIGHT